Her 38th year is not one she’d ever ask to repeat. “Trying” is how her husband described it in her birthday card. Other adjectives she’d add are “traumatic” and “revelatory.” She has no shining accomplishments to toast. There were more endings than beginnings. More questions than answers. At one point, she disliked herself so much she couldn’t bear to look in the mirror.
Healing took time and courage. She left communities she loved because belonging to them was causing her harm. For a season, she set down her pen and silenced herself. She had hard conversations and made school lunches and folded the laundry and kissed her children and cried in the shower.
Does everyone have these hidden pains they just shoulder quietly? she asked God. Her faith was shaken, but she didn’t stop believing.
Hours of research and reflection helped her see she wasn’t alone. The stories she read — paired with her family’s love — mended what was broken inside. Joy returned. And with it, many wonderful moments; the only possible explanation was grace.
She discovered that some years are gentle and sweet, and other years, everything you think you know burns to ash and you have to fight like hell to rise up after the fire.
After much prayer, she picked up her pen again. She decided she’ll write another book.
At 6:15 a.m. today, her sons tumbled into the master bedroom, searching for her. Her husband rolled back the comforter and the two boys burrowed between them like a pair of puppies. Under the warmth of the comforter, she clung to her children. At least I kept them safe and sound, she resolved. I held them and they held me. That is enough.
Wednesday begins with a glimmer. I strike a match and watch it burn away the darkness. Next, I reach for my journal. Thoughts pour out of my pen and fill pages.
While I scribble, the tick tick tick of the dresser clock falls silent. Only sunlight — slanting in through the blinds — breaks the spell.
The clock reads 7 a.m. Suddenly, I’m dashing, dressing, rinsing, running towards my children to rouse them.
Our day unfolds with hot coffee and buttered toast, school drop off and a package pickup.
Once we’re home, Paw Patrol plays on the TV for my youngest, Dishes clink, steam rises, I exhale after my chores are finished.
I drive us to our third place — the library.
My new hold has arrived, plus there are toys and stories to explore. We choose books on potty training and Christmas. Soon Adam needs his nap, so we drive and drive until he gives in to sleep.
Parked safely at a nearby forest preserve, I recline the driver’s seat and dive into my reading. The stories I love most are mirrors; they reflect back blemishes and beauty marks, many of which I would have missed it if not for the author’s insights.
“Mommy!” An hour has passed and Adam’s calling me. I come up for air and announce “We’re going home for lunch, a dog walk and school pickup.”
Ever since I began staying home with my children I relish the rhythm of school pickup — it may be my only chance to connect with another mom all day, to listen and be heard, to linger, to belong.
What’s more, I love being there for Jack, I love that I’m the one who gets to pick up my son.
At home, Adam builds a MagnaTile house for his stuffies and I make Jack’s favorite snack: shredded cheese on tortilla chips warmed for 30 seconds in the microwave. My mom made these for me when I was a child.
Between bites of nachos, Jack copies spelling words. “What are you doing?” Jack asks, looking up from his work. “I’m taking your picture — I might write about this. Is that okay?” I answer, my heart skipping a beat. “Oh sure,” he says, his pale blue eyes twinkling. “I love when you write about me.”
I feel the pinprick of tears behind my eyes. I want to hug him, to let him know how much his words mean to his writer-mother.
All I can muster is, “Thank you, honey.”
Soon, it’s time to cook dinner. I boil water and reach for the pasta. Jack plays on his iPad; Adam watches more Paw Patrol. I used to feel guilty about this screen time, then my mom told me that both she and her mom played television for their kids while they cooked. That made me feel relieved.
My husband comes home. His presence is like lighting a fire — he makes everything more cozy. Over dinner, we tell our boys we have a surprise for them: We’re taking them to the Christmas circus TONIGHT! They squeal. Fed and bursting with jingly excitement, we all scurry out the door into a world of ice and snow.
Traffic is bad, but once we arrive, the boys are bewitched. Acrobats fly high. Performers balance, streeeeeetch and juggle. Wonder washes over Jack and Adam’s faces. I catch my husband’s eye: we took a simple school night and made it sparkle.
Hours later, we’re home. The boys are snug in their beds. My husband and dog doze nearby. Phone in hand, I sit up in bed and scroll my camera roll. Images of our comings and goings fill my screen. They’re simple *and* stunning.
While we rent this apartment and search for a new, affordable house, I view our time here as a hallway between one closing door and another opening. I can’t see the next door yet. Like Mary, I’m filled with longing for the future.
And yet amid a season when wishes and wants abound, these photos urge me to claim contentment. Each image whispering, Do you see it? Do you see the magic disguised as mundane? Aren’t you lucky? Isn’t this life wonderful?
// I wrote this blog post in response to the prompt #ordinarymagic — an invitation to find the sparkle in our typical days using photos and words. My post detailed my day on Wednesday, December 4, 2024. For variations on this prompt, visit the blogs of Jessica Folkema, Melissa Kutsche and KImberly Knowle-Zeller. To write with us, use #ordinarymagic and tag us in your post.
Each October, we take family photos. Anyone who shares this tradition knows it’s an ordeal — choosing outfits, ironing shirts, wrangling silly kids, hoping for *just one picture* where everyone is smiling at the camera with their eyes open. Five minutes posing with wiggly children — and a dog! — may feel like five billion hours.
Still, I adore family photos. We smile, we laugh, we bask in the light from the setting sun. The images come back and, like magic, they freeze our family in time and capture our togetherness. The children are taller and cuter, and as for us adults, well, our eye crinkles have grown deeper. Is that really us? I think, my breath catching.
The truth is, sometimes I take my family’s presence for granted. I wish I didn’t, but I think everyone does this a little with the blessings we’ve been given.
In this season of gratitude, I hope you’re able to connect with and give thanks for the family, friends and/or chosen family you hold dear. You know — the ones who spin hours into gold. Cherish them. Pray for them. Let them know how much they matter.
Because when I look at our photos, it’s evident: These boys are the heartbeat of my life. They’re a sweet symphony. They’re pure sunshine. Their presence is a gift from above. And I’m grateful to love them.
My phone alarm buzzes, jostling me from sleep. I silence it, check my inbox: The Times’ subject line is a gut punch. I want to silence this news, too. Tossing my phone aside, I bury myself under the weighted blanket. If I just stay here I can pretend that, for once, a woman triumphs.
Somewhere else in America someone else woke up, checked her email and smiled. In her eyes, his election is a warm hug. Where I see harm, she sees hope — the promise of prosperity. Why do we see things so differently?
“Mommy?” my two-year-old approaches my bedside, rubbing his eyes. “Come here,” I beckon, wrapping my arms around his soft, warm body, Cocooned beside me, he drifts back to sleep.
How will I teach him to be kind in a world that rewards deceit and greediness? It’s the same question I ask myself daily, yet this morning it feels urgent, I worry this country will become more dangerous for many. Holding my son close, I pray for peace, for our leaders, for our nation.
Finally, I rise and open the blinds, gray clouds envelope the sky. My boy rustles in the bed; soon I’ll serve oatmeal and fold laundry, he’ll build towers and paint pictures, we’ll read stories and find shelter in each other.
No, I can’t pinpoint the Light — not today — still, I trust it’s here, shining within us.
God, you sculpted the heavens and the earth, you painted the sea and the stars. You made everything and said it was good. Still, I have to ask… Why did you make hurricanes? And tornadoes? Why cancer? Why weapons? Why war?
Perhaps the question I should be praying is, Why do humans hurt each other — and our planet? How do we fix what’s broken? How do we care for raging waters and hearts? How do we engender peace? How do we stay afloat amid such heavy issues? What will this world become?
And God, I have other, albeit lesser, queries: Why does my two-year-old always resist sleep? When will the bedtime battles and tantrums end? Also, why are groceries so dang expensive? And houses? Why wrinkles? Why neurodiversity? Why depression?
How come I’m still in pain, even months after that trauma? Will these scars ever disappear?
O God, despite the sin and muck in my life and in creation, why do you keep blessing us with sunsets? Why is autumn so stunning? Why does the Lakeshore never fail to settle my soul? Why honeycrisp apples? Why porcupines? Why snow? How is it that, whenever I watch my children sleep, I get a lump in my throat? When did I get so lucky and how come I’m often blind to this grace when they’re awake? How do I keep them safe? How will I ever let them go?
How do I carry all these fears, worries, joys, hopes?
That’s the wrong question again, isn’t it? How do I stop grasping for control and start clinging to you, God? Will you make me an instrument of your peace? Will you grant me eyes to see your glory?
“…have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.” ― Alice Walker, The Color Purple
“I’ve been missing you at church,” a friend wrote, bringing me to tears. “I hope you are still finding God near,” she added, her words as gentle as summer rain.
No, I haven’t been there lately, but I have met God at open mic night, he told us he was autistic, he sang an original song and strung his guitar, God was in the crowd, too, listening hard, God clapped long and loud when the music stopped.
God greeted my toddler from the garbage truck, God cheered each batter at my oldest’s baseball game, God saw me with my hands full and opened up the gate.
God showed up in pastel clouds over a shimmering sunset, the heady scent of roses, the first bite of a perfectly grilled burger, strawberry shortcake, delivered by a neighbor, Scripture scribbled on a postcard, whispered apologies, a prayer uttered over the phone, cottonwood seeds drifting in the breeze, in hugs and kisses from my children.
No, I haven’t seen my friend at church. “It’s not a peaceful place for me right now,” I told her. Yet, as sure as the stars shine, God’s been reaching for me, breathing goodness into everything, wrapping me in God’s gracious arms.
Because school’s out for the summer and my kids are here all.the.time.
Because there’s baseball practice tonight, basketball tomorrow and soccer camp next week.
Because we have swim lessons and playdates and birthday parties on the calendar. Because long luxurious playground visits. Because concerts, nature walks and dining al fresco. Because pool days, beach trips, splash pads and water tables.
Because wet towels and swimsuits are strewn across the floor and need to be hung to dry. Because the dishwasher needs to be loaded, the laundry needs to be changed and the dog taken out. Because my toddler just woke from his nap and needs cuddles.
Because, have you ever felt the grass underneath your bare feet while watching your kids swing in sync, and thought, “This is what I always dreamed of”? Because I want to revel in this tiny slice of peace before the moment passes and these kids start whining again…
Because one wants yogurt, the other watermelon, and they both want ice cream (but need dinner) and it’s hot and I don’t feel like cooking, so I unearth the mint chip from the fridge and the sugar cones from the cabinet and dole out three big cones for us to relish on the patio under the sun and isn’t summer a master class in shirking what’s sensible and savoring all that’s sweet?
Because, when my kids say, “Mom, watch this!” I want to bear witness to their joy — canonballs and somersaults, chasing cicadas and biking down the sidewalk, swishing down the slide and bouncing on a trampoline.
Because, have you ever seen the whole day stretch ahead of you like a giant buffet just waiting to be tasted?
Because the words can always be placed on hold while we live our summer story.
In the summer, she’d set up a makeshift baseball field in our cul-de-sac. Mom dug out the bats, gloves and tennis balls from our garage and plopped them down near our mailbox. The driveway held home base. My brother and I must have been in elementary or middle school back then, and she, in her forties.
She roped in our next-door neighbors – the freckled Maher boys – and the handsome bachelor who lived across the street from us for a few years. I don’t remember his name. I do remember his dog, a white and orange mut named Boomer who caught fly balls in his teeth, and the way Mom’s eyes lit up when she’d assembled up a team for pickup baseball.
She pitched. Standing in the center of the cul-de-sac, Mom threw straight, steady pitches, encouraging us to swing with a gentle, “Hey batta-batta, swing batta-batta.” When it was her turn to bat, she smacked line drives and fly balls into the outfield, which was the handsome neighbor’s front yard. Boomer sprinted and strained to snag them.
Looking back today, I get the sense she held back some of her power when we played ball in the street together. A gym teacher by calling, she was a natural athlete and our first coach at everything. Her skilled hands showed our novice ones how to hit, how to catch and how to throw hard. She taught my brother and me that playing with all your heart was more important than winning or losing.
Her love of the game was palpable.
Mom’s the reason I played shortstop in summer league softball. My softball coach said I had a good arm – honed from endless games of catch out with my mother. I could field well, too, but my hitting was unreliable.
This became a problem when I moved on to high school softball. I made the A team, but I ended up benched more often than not. We lost the majority of our games. What I hated more than losing was not getting to play at all.
Mom didn’t come to all my games – school was in session, and she had several after school commitments of her own – but when she showed up in the stands, my confidence blossomed.
After another game lost, I sat in the car with my mother, head in my hands. She put her hand on my arm and said to me, “You should be out there, too, Erin. You’re just as good as the other girls are. You deserve a chance to play.”
She was right; after all, we’d gotten destroyed. It would have been nice if the coaches cut me a break and put me in in the eighth inning. Unlike my mother, I was a mediocre softball player.
The next year, I tried out for the school musical instead. Everyone who could sing made the school musical — it was my chance to get in the game. Mom came to my performance and cheered me on, same as always. She brought me a bouquet. Her love for me was palpable.
verb; noun To bring into being / Create / Compose / Shape
As in, my friend Donna conjures harmony from thin air: she hears a melody, she summons notes and voices sweetness like a magician blooming roses from her wand. She says, “It’s nothing!” I say, “It’s a spiritual gift!” — and we’re both right — For, isn’t the ability to fashion beauty from nothing endowed to us by the Master Artist?
As in, Merriam Webster offers 25 definitions for the verb “make” and that doesn’t include all the idioms: make waves, make up your mind, make light Something about making is essential to our humanity We make believe We make amends We make art We make homes We make love We make a difference I am trying to make the most of the time I have left I only know that when I bring art to life I come alive as well.
As in, lately I’ve been struggling to write I’m tired of these blase winter days when the wind howls and bites like a feral dog I want to be wild like the wind — soft, too I want my stories to rattle you awake and blanket the earth with snow I want my words to swirl and linger, to thaw an icy heart — even mine.
As in, my husband skitters his hands across the keyboard and creates a code that will animate a robot, our toddler Adam stands at the easel, proud he’s “writing his name” with a dry erase marker, our son Jack sits nearby, head bent, dreaming up new Pokemon, dazzling the page with drawings and color, Others bake bread and cook, Others stitch blankets and clothes, Others protest and revise law, Me? I rinse dishes and soothe owies, sing lullabies, draw baths, compose a line in my head: Mothering is inherently creative.
As in, at my first voice lesson, my teacher tells me he’s heard too many sad stories of people who stopped singing because someone said they didn’t like their voice, I try to remember this, too, when I write I became an author because thirty years ago someone said, “I like your voice.” What matters more now: That I like it too. Isn’t all art forged in courage? Isn’t all art a window, an offering? How many more books or songs have yet to be born?
Almost 7 and still a wonder boy whose life began with a lack of breath, who, since he found his voice rarely stops talking, who’s made of sugar, steel and laughter
“That’s nice, honey,” I tell him, folding his words and slipping them into my back pocket like a note I want to revisit later
Me? I’m scared of all sorts of things: Showing up late. Wearing the wrong outfit. Singing off-key. Saying something off-color. My kids getting hurt or worse — dying. Mass shootings. War. Global warming. Cockroaches in the house and maxing out my credit card at Target.
Scared of success and scared of failure. Missed naps and moldy leftovers. Scared of parties and public speaking. Scared of home renovations —but also scared of moving(?)— literally anyone who rings our doorbell. Tantrums at the grocery store. PTA meetings. The cool moms at school pickup. Forgetting a deadline. Forgetting to return a text. Forgetting.
Scared of aging. Scared of dying. Scared I won’t ever get to the point of this poem.
Scared of tornadoes. Scared of blizzards. Scared of men, when I walk alone at night, midday or early in the morning. Scared of running into ex-boyfriends, that band teacher who despised me, even scarier, my ex-best friend from high school.
Scared of weight gain. Scared of wrinkles. Car crashes. Insomnia. Cancer. Losing track of my kids anywhere, especially near water. Losing my husband, mother or father.
Scared I’ve said too much. Scared I ate too much. Scared of all the want inside me. Scared how much I love my children. Scared I’ve not been a good enough mother.
All this fear inside. Where does it come from? What I wouldn’t give to soak up some of wonder boy’s courage
Often I feel scared of writing especially publishing. Scared I’ll be judged. Worse, no one cares. Years of writing and I’m still scared by all the rejection.
Then I think of my son, and the world I want him to inherit, a society steeped in justice, peace and kindness.
So I keep writing, keep chasing truth and beauty, keep confronting my fears on the page, emerging braver and stronger, keep penning hope into a world riddled by brokenness.
Erin Strybis 